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Transfer Deadline Day: The Timeline

00:01: The Guardian begin their transfer deadline day live blog.

05:00: Sky Sports News begin their transfer deadline day coverage. They have five reporters outside Big Ben in St. Stephen’s Tower to report on the passing of time AS IT HAPPENS.

(the BBC only have two).

07:05: Guillem Balague appears on Sky Sports and states that Radamel Falcao is very close to joining Manchester City for £35m.

08:00: Harry Redknapp gives an interview out of his car window as he arrives at training. He states the chairman is working hard on a few possible signings, but he doesn’t think there’ll be much movement today. The chairman’s been great he adds, and has a real passion for the club, so we’ll see what happens.

08:30: Manchester United are linked with Wesley Sneijder.

09:08: Reporter M outside the Etihad states that City are no longer looking to buy Falcao. A man stood in the background with a tea-towel on his head starts a Happy Mondays dance.

10:15: The cameras cut to outside the Emirates. A lone piece of tumbleweed blows across the forecourt.

10:40: Guillem Balague appears on Sky Sports and states that Radamel Falcao is very close to joining Manchester City for £43m.

11:00: Harry Redknapp gives an interview out of his car window as he leaves training. He states the chairman is working hard on a few possible signings, but he doesn’t think there’ll be much movement today. The chairman’s been great he adds, and has a real passion for the club, so we’ll see what happens.

11:40: Guillem Balague appears on Sky Sports and states that Radamel Falcao is very close to joining Manchester United for £56m. He states Manchester City were never in for the player.

13:33: Sky Sports understands that a blue private jet is on standby at Seville airport.

14:00: The yellow ticker-tape bar on Sky Sports News starts scrolling so quickly it becomes invisible to the human eye.

14:02: JIM WHITE IS ON AIR! Jim is resplendent in a yellow suit, yellow tie and yellow cravat. A small trace of white powder can be seen under his left nostril.

14:05: Guillem Balague appears on Sky Sports and states that Radamel Falcao is very close to joining Manchester United on loan, with a £12m fee. He states United were never interested in a permanent deal.

14:10: Jim’s voice is recorded at 98 decibels, similar to that of a pneumatic drill, or the croak of an Amazonian tree frog.

14:40: Sky Sports understands a private jet has just landed at Barton Airfield.

15:00: Jim White is rushed to hospital with a perforated larynx. Doctors fear he may never shout again.

15:20: Manchester United are linked with a move for Wesley Sneijder.

16:00: Guillem Balague appears on Sky Sports and states that Radamel Falcao has joined Manchester United on loan, for a £6m fee, as he predicted yesterday.

16:10: Ed Woodward is talked down from the Arndale Centre multi-storey car park after a tense three-hour stand-off with police.

16:40: Harry Redknapp gives an interview out of his car window as he returns to the training ground. He states the chairman is working hard on a few possible signings, but he doesn’t think there’ll be much movement today. The chairman’s been great he adds, and has a real passion for the club, so we’ll see what happens.

17:00: Jim White, the true professional that he is, is back in the studio! He is sweating profusely and reports the latest rumours with a certain melancholy.

17:17: Ed Woodward is reported to be concluding some urgent transfer business.

17:40: Reporter V (2) announces that the West Brom manager Alan Irvine has stated there will be no more deals before the window shuts. Three 14 year old boys stood behind him high on fizzy drinks start booing and making rude gestures towards the camera.

17:41: The Sky Sports presenter apologises for the rude gestures behind the presenter at The Hawthorns.

18:40: Harry Redknapp gives an interview out of his car window as he once more leaves the training ground. He states the chairman is working hard on a few possible signings, but he doesn’t think there’ll be much movement today. The chairman’s been great he adds, and has a real passion for the club, so we’ll see what happens.

19:00: Sky Sports understands Wesley Sneijder will not be moving to Manchester United.

19:23: Reporter D outside the Britannia Stadium announces confirmation that Stoke have signed a player on loan from Real Zaragoza that no one has heard of. This is the cue for raucous cheering from a selection of gargoyles. Reporter D tells them to be quiet and is drenched in Sunny Delight.

20:13: A supporter behind Reporter C outside Goodison Park is dressed in a mankini and is sporting a false moustache.

21:00: Manchester United announce the signing of Radamel Falcao, Arturo Vidal, Lionel Messi, Gonzalo Higuain, Karim Benzema and Titus Bramble.

21:22: BREAKING NEWS: Rochdale have signed a defender on loan from Bury.

21:30: Reporter F stands outside a deserted St James Park. Behind him a man in a luminous jacket sweeps some twigs from the road. A white van trundles past. A security man looks vacantly towards the camera. A Mercedes pulls up! Could this be, possibly, Alan Par… no, it’s someone from the catering department. Reporter F solemnly speaks into the camera. As suspected earlier in the day, Newcastle will not be doing any business today. Is it raining? Or does a solitary tear run down the cheek of reporter F? No one can be sure. He mouthes to the camera “Help me. Someone please help me.” A pigeon craps on his shoulder. The camera fades to black.

22:59: A moist Jim White begins the countdown.

23:00: BONG! Jim White completely loses his shit as Big Ben chimes to signal that it is 11pm. The transfer window is shut. This means there is a mere two hours left for deals to be announced.

23:30: Nothing happens.

03:00 – QPR announce the signings of Peter Odemwingie, Kolo Toure, Mido, Scott Sinclair, Micah Richards, Scott Carson, Billy Sharp, the entire Derby County squad and 1D singer Louis Tomlinson.

05:00: A lone pick-up truck removes the mangled wreck of Peter Odemwingie’s car from the gates at Loftus Road.

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