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2014/15 – Predictions For The Season

In what Sky Sports are already calling the most exciting season in Premier League history, the 2014/15 promises to be a fascinating nine months as multiple teams challenge for the title, new stars grace the biggest league in the world ever ™, whilst a host of new managers promise to ensure that there’s never a dull moment. With that in mind, here’s my predictions for the upcoming season, from the title race to the relegation battle, the scraps, the arguments, the controversy and the most blatant book-whoring you’re ever likely to see.

As the season approached, Tony Pulis was sensationally sacked by Crystal Palace after he was caught ram-raiding the club shop. A police raid later found over 400 branded bobble-hats and numerous baseball caps in his attic. Two policemen were trapped under a mountain of merchandise for three hours after unwittingly opening a door under the stairs.

A new season brought new hope for all, hope that most had cruelly crushed within a fortnight. Paul Scholes came out of re-re-retirement. “It’s like a new signing for us,” said Louis Van Gaal.

Manchester United target Cesc Fabregas signed for Chelsea. The Telegraph reported that United never submitted a bid as Louis Van Gaal and his coaching staff were not convinced about his ball control.

Arsene Wenger questioned whether Manchester City were bypassing Financial Fair Play rules and sticking two fingers up to Michel Platini after signing Frank Lampard on loan for 6 months.
“This is not right I think, it is something the ruling bodies need to look at, for the good and integrity of the game.”

Brendan Rodgers praises the continued development of Raheem Sterling.
“I have watched Raheem develop from a young kid with only one child to a wonderful man, full of vigour and spunk and the way he runs on the pitch has to be admired, with those lithe limbs and that cheeky smile. I love him. He completes me.”

Rodgers was calm about the hole left by the exit of Luis Suarez: “We are comfortable with the replacements we have brought in here to Anfield. Luis must know that he will never walk alone, but we must move on, as a single entity, as a desire and movement that is above the norm and as a force that belies the traditional viewpoint of football, an essence, a belief, a state of mind. The guy was a nutter anyway.”

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Roy Keane vowed not to shave until Aston Villa next won a match. The beard eventually became a health hazard before Keane suddenly quit his role and disappeared from public life. Eventually he was found foraging for mushrooms whilst living wild in the New Forest.

Arsene Wenger questioned whether Manchester City were bypassing Financial Fair Play rules and sticking two fingers up to Michel Platini after handing a new contract to Sergio Aguero, Vincent Kompany and Samir Nasri.
“This is not right I think, it is something the ruling bodies need to look at, for the good and integrity of the game.”

Manchester United target Eliaquim Mangala signed for rivals Manchester City. The Telegraph reported that United never submitted a bid as Louis Van Gaal and his coaching staff were not convinced about his concentration levels.

Sam Allardyce wandered into a press conference sporting only a leopard-skin thong whilst sucking on a turkish pipe, before telling the startled press pack how he had “out-tacticed” Swansea after a 2-1 victory at Upton Park.
Later in the season, Karren Brady saved Allardyce’s life after she administered the Heimlich manoeuvre on him after a piece of gum became lodged in Allardyce’s throat after a Kevin Nolan chicken goal celebration went horribly wrong, breaking Mark Noble’s nose. Allardyce and Nolan left the club soon after.

Across the country, Louis Van Gaal, “The Iron Tulip” (TIT), had his own surprise for journalists as he whacked Olly Holt about the face with his testicles after Holt questioned his 3-5-2 formation against Hull City. Holt was whacked with such force that his alice band was dislodged and fell to the floor. Holt was later seen crying in the first aid room. Sam Wallace later commented that Van Gaal’s testicles were like “huge mangoes that had been left in the sun for too long”. United’s press department declined to comment.

After a throw-in went against his team, Alan Pardew went on a seven-hour rampage around the streets of Newcastle. Having head-butted the 4th official, Pardew destroyed the dugout armed only with a water bottle, before sprinting down the tunnel, out of the ground and into the city centre where he was seen brandishing a sharpened letter-opener with his tie firmly around his forehead. A McDonalds, two Greggs and a B & M Bargains all suffered major damage before Pardew was sedated with a blowpipe.
Pardew later told Sky Sports: “I regret what I did, I’m a passionate man. I’ve had a word with the chairman and we’ve agreed I’ll stay in the dugout in future. I apologise to Louis Van Gaal for comparing him to Butthead.”

The National Football Museum at Urbis proudly announced the second sale of Howard Hockin’s acclaimed 2013/14 Manchester City Season Review book, a mere six months after release. Hockin was said to be “delighted” and “a bit overcome with emotion”.

Manchester United target Arturo Vidal signed a new deal with Juventus. The Telegraph reported that United never submitted a bid as Louis Van Gaal and his coaching staff were not convinced about his upper body strength.

Arsene Wenger questioned whether Manchester City were bypassing Financial Fair Play rules and sticking two fingers up to Michel Platini after opening a new burger stand in City Square.
“This is not right I think, it is something the ruling bodies need to look at, for the good and integrity of the game.”

Manchester United signed a sponsorship deal with Durex, who became the club’s exclusive pregnancy-avoiding partners in South Asia, Oceania and Peru.

After Newcastle lost to Sunderland a Newcastle fan was arrested at Knowsley Safari Park for punching an ostrich.

Harry Redknapp gave an exclusive interview in the QPR car-park, where he complained that the squad was down to the bare bones after only adding 17 players in the summer transfer window.
“We’re up against it, that’s just the way it is you know?” said Harry. “We’ll try and get some more players in, but I leave that sort of thing to the chairman.”
Redknapp’s assistant Glenn Hoddle attracted more criticism after suggesting in a post-match press conference that Richard Dunne’s poor performance may have been due to him being a pimp in a previous life.

QPR though secured a famous victory at Anfield, and Redknapp dedicated the win to his dog that used to be alive, Rosie. “She was more than just a dog,” he said tearfully to a compassionate Martin Tyler.

Joey Barton stubbed an e-cigarette into the eye of a QPR youth player at the club’s Christmas do after the youth player questioned Barton’s views on Friedrich Nietzsche’s essays on life-affirmation and objectivity of truth.

Arsene Wenger took a bold and brave plunge into the market and purchased a new coat, which very much resembled his old one.
He said: “I have never been afraid to spend when necessary. The old coat had developed a small tear in the hood.”

Manchester United target Matt Hummels signed a new deal with Borussia Dortmund. The Telegraph reported that United never submitted a bid as Louis Van Gaal and his coaching staff were not convinced about his pace.

Mark Ogden fainted in a Manchester City press conference after Manuel Pellegrini said something interesting. Alan Irvine was sacked as West Brom manager but no one noticed.

Arsene Wenger questioned whether Manchester City were bypassing Financial Fair Play rules and sticking two fingers up to Michel Platini after painting one of the concourses in the south stand.
“This is not right I think, it is something the ruling bodies need to look at, for the good and integrity of the game.”

Manchester United target Falcao signed on loan for Real Madrid. The Telegraph reported that United never submitted a bid as Louis Van Gaal and his coaching staff were not convinced about his shooting. In January 2015, Ed Woodward jetted off on some urgent transfer business and was never seen again.

Wesley Sneijder was linked with a move to Manchester United. Wayne Rooney handed in his third transfer request before signing a lucrative new contract. Rooney was promised the next manager’s job and unlimited hair.

Ollie Holt was apoplectic after Leicester City change the name of their stadium to the Walkers Extra Ridged Grilled Steak Range Lineker Memorial Stadium.

Chelsea eventually triumphed in a close title race, though Liverpool won the moral victors title for the 2nd season in a row, despite finishing 5th. Brendan Rodgers handed out three envelopes to players after the season ended, but accidentally put his own name on one of the cards. He was forced to quit and later took over Swansea again.

As the season faded into distant memory, Yaya Toure celebrated his 32nd birthday. City hired Wembley Stadium for the occasion, baked a cake that fed 5000, and the Red Arrows flew over the ground spelling out a birthday message. The British government announced a national holiday, a gold-plated Ferrari was presented to the player and each squad member read out a poem they had written expressing their reverence for the Ivorian. Toure’s agent later complained that the cake was undercooked, the Ferrari had no sat-nav and that Toure was considering his future.

Jose Mourinho acted like a cock for nine months.

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